


Keeping the Score

by Redpanda18



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee Are Best Friends, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee-centric, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Sick Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Sickfic, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25556296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redpanda18/pseuds/Redpanda18
Summary: Even though Donghyuk has mostly conquered his eating disorder, it doesn’t mean that his body or mind don’t remember the past trauma. Fortunately, he doesn’t have to suffer alone anymore. Unfortunately, being in quarantine during the 2020 pandemic poses some challenges that Donghyuk might need some help handling.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Everyone, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Park Jisung, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 2
Kudos: 250





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning!!!!!!
> 
> This fic contains content about eating disorders. The content ahead may contain triggers, please read with caution! Also, I am not an expert on eating disorders so it is likely that I have not written everything accurately, and I do not claim that the details are medically sound. Please bear that in mind as you read and enjoy!
> 
> If you are currently suffering from an eating disorder during this pandemic, I hope you are doing well and are finding ways to cope and take care of yourself!
> 
> This work was inspired by the YouTube video "Having An Eating Disorder During A Pandemic" by As/Is

Everyone has their own way of coping. Donghyuk’s just happened to be self-destructive. It honestly started out fairly harmless. He was involved in multiple things and was always busy. He was doing well in school, training to become an idol, and was involved in other things to help boost his image. There were all these things that he was doing and it felt like he was going non-stop. 

Even though he enjoyed the majority of these things, for the most part, it felt like they were out of his control. It was terrifying, so Donghyuk ended up turning to food to cope with the stress. As an upcoming idol, he knew he had to work on his image, so he figured that going on a small diet and exercising more wouldn’t hurt. It didn’t matter that he was already a healthy weight or that he was already exercising a lot because of training, he had to do more. 

Food felt like the only thing he was in charge of, so he managed it religiously. He continued the behavior without any complications for a good couple of months. Everything was going fine until he debuted and was finally in the public eye. That’s when things went downhill. That’s when he started reading horrible, critical comments about himself. That’s when he started hating himself. 

At that point in time, he had developed a strong inner voice that was always telling him that he wasn’t enough, that he needed to lose weight, that he needed to work harder or else SM would drop him, that he wasn’t nearly as good as the other Dream members. It was toxic and draining, but Donghyuk believed it, so he turned back to food.

This time, he took his eating habits to a new extreme. He started feeling guilty whenever he would eat more than just a salad, but to keep the others from asking questions, he would eat the food and then throw it up later. He also resorted to practicing even more and would stay behind after dance practice more times than not. 

Every time he purged, or avoided food, or starved himself in general, the voice in his head would compliment him. It would tell him that he was doing good and that it was all necessary. At some point, he started to believe that too. For about the first month, it was hard to tell that something was very wrong. Yes, Donghyuk had lost weight and he looked thinner, but the other members didn’t question it at first.

They all understood the pressure of needing to look good for the public. Most of them were on diets too anyways. The members really started to get suspicious though when Donghyuk started skipping out on meals with them. He would usually eat lunch and dinner with them, so when he stopped doing that but continued with the excessive exercise, they started suspecting things.

Mark was the one to approach Donghyuk first. He had tried hard to get his friend to open up to him, but nothing was working. Whatever the vocalist was doing, he was committed to it. The leader had let it slide, hoping that maybe Donghyuk would come to him soon. To this day, it’s one of his biggest regrets, he should have pushed Donghyuk to tell him.

Into the second month of Donghyuk’s unhealthy eating behavior, things started going wrong. Chenle had found his hyung throwing up in the bathroom after lunch one day and had promptly freaked out. Donghyuk had begged the younger not to say anything, and Chenle had reluctantly agreed but told Donghyuk that he had to tell the others soon or he would. The zero liner had been both impressed and annoyed with Chenle’s resolve, but he knew he was right.

Apparently vomiting so frequently was not good. Donghyuk had started experiencing intense stomach cramps, headaches, a sore throat, and was always tired. He knew it was time to tell someone, and even though it terrified him since he would be releasing control, he was even more scared to die. Unfortunately, before he could tell the members, he ended up collapsing during one of their dance practices and was rushed to the hospital.

He had been diagnosed with bulimia, and it was both relieving and scary. On the one hand, he was relieved because he didn’t have to keep pretending anymore, on the other hand, he was no longer in control. There had been a lot of crying, explaining, and comfort that night. Taeyong had even paid them a visit and asked if Donghyuk needed to go on hiatus for a bit. The vocalist had declined, and then the other members had insisted on him taking a break. They ended up compromising with Donghyuk taking a break for two weeks.

Honestly, the six months after Donghyuk was diagnosed were the most difficult. They all had to adjust to what was happening and they had to re-learn the zero liner’s boundaries. They all had to learn to be supportive but also give Dongghyuk enough space to be independent. It took a while, but the Dreamies slowly found their new rhythm. It took a lot of support form the members, not just the Dreamies, his family, and his therapist, for Donghyk to accept what happened and cope with it.

Even though he’s mostly over it now, it doesn’t mean that his body or mind has forgotten the trauma. There are times when it’s really hard not to fall back into old habits. Of course, he’s never fallen that far again, but he does revert to unhealthy behaviors when he’s stressed. There are also times when he’s reminded of starving himself or puking his guts up when he’s in places that he used to engage in those behaviors.

He tries to avoid certain locations now, like the second-floor bathroom of the SM entertainment building. Other times, he just has to deal with it since he can’t exactly avoid their dorm kitchen. He even gets dreams about what he used to do and wakes up in the middle of a panic attack. His therapist has also diagnosed him with PTSD as a result and has given him ways to help minimize the symptoms, but it’s still difficult. 

Alongside the panic attacks, he’ll also get physical flare-ups where his stomach cramps like it used to when he used to purge or he’ll get migraine-like symptoms like he used to when he was starving his body. It’s horrible when it happens, but at least he doesn’t have to suffer alone now. 

All the members, including those outsides of Dream, are aware of his symptoms and know how to help. They even know what to do when he starts regressing back to his old, unhealthy eating habits. None of them want Donghyuk to be that sick again, none of them want him to die. It’s not easy, but Donghyuk is worth it.

The brunette is currently cuddled up with Mark on his bed. The Dreamies and other NCT units, in general, have been spending a lot of time with each other because of the pandemic. The quarantine has them all trapped with each other, so they might as well make the most of it. Mark and the other hyungs have been coming down a lot to see them since they all live in the same building anyway.

The rapper slowly starts to untangle his limbs from Donghyuk’s while the other whines softly. The dreamies have practice in an hour, so he needs to get the other moving. Mark ends up having to drag Donghyuk with him to the kitchen when the younger boy ends up clinging on to him when he stands up.

  
The other members are also up and are in varying states of awakeness when the two reach the kitchen. Jaemin is busy cooking eggs, Renjun and Jeno are eating cereal, and Chenle and Jisung are having ramen for breakfast for some reason. Mark hears Donghyuk let out a quick sigh as he leads the other boy over to the table to sit beside Renjun. He knows that the younger has been more stressed out about eating recently, so the group has been trying to do whatever they can to help ease his anxiety around it.

They’ve been making sure to check that he eats three meals a day and they ensure that at least one of them eats with Donghyuk. It’s both to help encourage him to eat and also because they know he doesn’t like being alone with food. He’s told them before that it helps to be with other people. 

“Do you want eggs or cereal for breakfast?” the rapper asks Donghyuk. He knows it’ll be easier for Hyuk to decide if he gives him choices rather than just an open-ended question.

“You could have some of my ramen!” Chenle offers cheerfully from across the table.

“Um, no,” Renjun interjects. “Most people don’t eat ramen for breakfast.”

  
  
“Well I’m not most people,” Chenle retorts.

“That’s for sure.”

The younger Chinese boy pouts while the rest of them laugh. Donghyuk looks back over at Mark a moment later once he’s decided.

“I want eggs.”

  
  
“Ok cool, I’ll see if Jaemin can make you some when I go in there.”

The vocalist turns his attention back to Chenle and Renjun as the two continue to argue and Mark retreats to the kitchen.

“Hey, would you mind making Hyuk some eggs too?”

  
  
Jaemin smiles at Mark and nods happily.

“Yeah! I was making some for myself anyway. Does he want anything in them?”

The rapper takes a moment to think before responding.

“I think the usual would be good.”

  
  
“Got it. I’ll add some cheddar cheese then.”

  
  
“Thanks Nana.”

  
  
“No problem!”   
  
Mark sets about getting himself some food for himself and grabs the cereal on the counter. He talks with Jaemin a little bit while he waits for the other to finish cooking. A few minutes later when the food is done, Mark helps carry the dishes over to the dining table and sets a plate of eggs in front of Donghyuk before taking the seat across for him with his own cereal. 

Jisung is talking about some game that he and Chenle were playing last night, probably way too late into the night, but it sounds like they had fun. Jeno talks about some new JSMR ideas that he has and Renjun shares some new memes that he discovered. Jaemin mentions something about a new YouTube series he’s started watching and Mark hints at some new song he’s writing lyrics for. Donghyuk is content to simply listen to them all and bask in their presence.

He’s not really in the mood for talking right now, but he does want to hear what the others are up to. His inner voice starts to creep in and tell him that he’s not doing enough and that the others are being way more productive than him, but he quickly tries to brush it off. He distracts himself by finally digging into the eggs Jaemin made him. They’re good, they’re just the way he likes them, scrambled mixed with cheddar cheese. 

He knows the others have noticed by now, how he’s started becoming more anxious around food again. He stares at his food sometimes, debating whether he should eat or not, and he takes longer to eat than usual. The members have been great about supporting him, but it’s still hard. His inner voice has come back stronger recently.

Donghyuk thinks it’s probably the result of the pandemic. Being quarantined means he can’t get out as much, he has more time, and he’s around food more often. The stress of not being able to get out to distract himself like going to practice has been getting to him. Even though they do still practice, they don’t go out in public as much anymore and they are limited to the places they can go.

It’s like torture to Donghyuk because it means he now has a bunch of time that he’s not used to having. It was fine for the first few weeks, but then he started feeling lazy since he couldn’t go anywhere and he felt horribly unproductive. It didn’t help that he’s started looking at social media more because then he just starts comparing himself to what other people are doing.

He knows it’s unhealthy and that it’s making things worse, but he just can’t seem to stop. He can’t stop his insecurities from resurfacing whenever he sees how much the rest of the world is doing. That coupled with Donghyuk being trapped with food in the dorm doesn’t help. There’s just the constant reminder and pressure that he could easily go back to binging and then vomitting, but he knows he’d just feel guilty and try and throw it up later, and he doesn’t want to go down that path again.

He doesn’t feel like his eating disorder has come back full force, it doesn’t feel the same. However, it hasn’t completely gone away and he doesn’t exactly feel fine. It’s a weird but numb in between that kind of scares Donghyuk if he’s being completely honest. He doesn’t know if it means he needs more help or not.

“Hyuk?” Someone asks gently.

The vocalist is suddenly snapped back to reality when he hears his name being called.

“Yeah?”

“Are you ok?” Jaemin asks worriedly.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, I’m just a little tired.”

“That’s ok. Practice shouldn’t be too long today so maybe you can take a nap afterward,” the rapper suggests.

“Yeah, I think I’ll do that.”   
  
Donghyuk gives his friend a light smile before turning back to his food and slowly picking at it. It takes another good chunk of time to finally finish everything, and he’s the last one to finish, but he does it. He makes sure to eat all of it and tries hard to fight off the part of his brain that screams at him to count how many calories it was.

Once Donghyuk is done eating, the seven of them quickly clear the table so they can all get ready for practice. Mark has to leave to go back to the 127 members, but he makes sure to remind the dreamies that they’re doing well and promises to visit them later. Before he leaves, he also makes sure to give Donghyuk a hug, knowing that the younger boy likes physical comfort. He knows the dreamies will take care of Donghyuk though. With that, he lets the younger boy go.

* * *

  
  


The unsettled feeling Donghyuk’s had for a while now is still persisting. They’re a couple of hours into dance practice and it’s not distracting Donghyuk like it usually does. Normally, dancing and vocal lessons give him something else to focus on other than his mean inner voice. Today, practicing with everyone else just amplifies his worries that he’s falling behind and that he’s not enough. 

It’s like his limbs are made of lead and he keeps messing up on moves that he normally lands perfectly. In reality, he’s really not messing up too horribly, but it feels like he is. Donghyuk listens patiently to their choreographer’s constructive criticism, but because he’s already isn’t in a great mindset, his mind twists the advice to make him feel even worse. He tries his best not to show that it’s affecting him though.

After another forty minutes of practice, their choreographer lets them break for lunch. Donghyuk really isn’t looking forward to eating right now. The staff enter the practice room a few minutes later with sandwiches for the boys and Donghyuk feels his anxiety start to pick up. Jeno gratefully takes the bag from the female staff and distributes the sandwiches. 

Donghyuk tentatively unwraps the brown paper and dissects the food with his eyes. White bread, turkey, lettuce, tomatoes, and mayo, plus the drink Jaemin just handed him. It’s a relatively simple meal, but his mind isn’t making it simple. All Donghyuk can see is numbers. The white bread is 79 calories, the turkey slices 90 calories, the tomatoes 24calories, the mayo 68, and the soda 140. 

He doesn’t want to keep count, but his mind can’t help but keep the score. He’s always had a hard time letting go of counting calories. Despite his mind and body’s protests, he shakily picks up the sandwich and begins to eat. The more he forces himself to eat, the more tortuous the experience becomes. The bread tastes like cardboard now, the meat too dry, and the mayo is too sour, but he pushes through anyway. 

He’s only mildly listening to the members as they talk because all of his energy is focused on finishing the meal. At one point, Renjun even asks him if he’s ok, but Donghyuk brushes it off again by saying that he’s just tired. He can see in the Chinese boy’s eyes that he doesn’t believe him, but he doesn’t push Donghyuk to say more. The vocalist ends up drinking a few sips of the soda and three-quarters of his sandwich before he knows he can’t eat anymore. Then he just resorts to drinking a bunch of water to fill his stomach up the rest of the way. 

Jaemin tries to get him to eat a little more, and he eventually backs down after making Donghyuk takes at least a few more bites. He can tell the fellow zero liner is starting to overthink and slip into a negative mindset, but he can’t let Donghyuk start to fall back all the way into old habits. Watching the vocalist’s expression, he doesn’t look too angry, but he does look exhausted. He really does need to rest more.

After lunch is over, the dreamies clean up quickly so they can get back to practicing. Donghyuk feels a little better now that he has more energy in his system, but he still feels tired. It’s as if the tired has seeped into his bones and he can’t get rid of it. They end up practicing the choreo for Ridin for another hour before switching to go over the other dances. It’s when they start reviewing older dances that Donghyuk starts making more mistakes.

He keeps forgetting the timing of his positions and they have to keep redoing certain parts. All the members, especially Chenle, try to reassure him that it’s fine, but it doesn’t feel fine. He doesn’t feel fine. He can feel the frustration building, but he can’t do anything about it, so he just rolls with it.

The minutes seem to drag by and they’re all becoming restless. The dreamies can feel Donghyuk’s nervous energy and they’re worried about him. He’s more sluggish than usual and they can all tell that he’s wiped out. Part of it’s probably due to him having to practice with both 127 and Dream, but they know there’s something else.

They all know by now how hard it is for Donghyuk to open up. Despite his affectionate and bright nature, it’s difficult for him to be vulnerable and admit when he needs help. He hates burdening people even though they’ve told him he never is. He’s always been like that and it just got worse when he developed an eating disorder. It took them a long time to get Donghyuk to realize that he can trust all the NCT members with anything, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still hard for him to do it.

Their choreographer seems to sense the negative and tense atmosphere, so he ends practice a few minutes earlier than normal. He tells them all to get some good rest because they all look like zombies before releasing them. Donghyuk feels himself wince slightly at the statement, he knows it’s because of him that they’re ending early and that he caused the shift in mood. However, he doesn’t have too much time to dwell on that before Jeno is gently pulling him towards the door. 

They all pack up in record time and make their way to the front of the entertainment building to wait for their manager to pick them up.

“Manager-nim says he’ll be here in ten minutes,” Renjun announces. 

“Thanks, Injunnie,” Jaemin smiles.

A moment later, he turns to face Donghyuk and looks at him with a soft expression. 

  
  
“How are you feeling Hyuckie?”

  
  
The brunette thinks for a few seconds, really thinks, before responding.

“Tired, but also just off I guess. I felt really...spaced out and like weighed down if you know what I mean. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.”

  
  
“That’s ok. We know what you mean. It’s just an off kind of day?” Jeno suggests.

  
“Yeah,” the vocalist responds quietly.

It’s been more like an off kind of month, but he won’t say that out loud. Suddenly, he feels something warm latch onto him and looks over to see Chenle clinging onto his left arm. His Dongsaeng gives him an embarrassed smile when he sees Donghyuk looking at him, but he doesn’t let go. In fact, he presses in closer and Donghyuk happily accepts the skinship. He slings an arm around the younger’s shoulders and squeezes slightly.

Jisung starts up a casual conversation about what he and Chenle have been doing on ChenJi’s This and That channel and Donghyuk and the others are content to hear him talk. It’s soothing to just listen to what the maknae has to say and Renjun’s and Jeno’s occasional commentary. Chenle will also pipe in when he recalls something funny and Donghyuk appreciates the light-hearted conversation. It’s the little things they do show Donghyuk that they do care.

Ten minutes later, like promised, their manager pulls up in front of the building and they all file into the car. Donghyuk ends up getting pulled into the back to sit in between Jaemin and Renjun when the two won’t stop fighting of who is going to sit next to Donghyuk. Thank goodness of Jeno who actually has a brain and told Donghyuk to just sit in the middle. The ride back to the dorm is quiet, but it’s not the bad kind of quiet. The zero liner even ends up dozing off on Jamein’s shoulder. He doesn’t fall into a deep enough sleep to get proper rest, but it does rest his eyes so it’s something. When they pull to a stop, Renjun lightly shakes him awake and then the six of them make their way up to their floor of the apartment.

The second they walk into their dorm, it’s like the weight of everything just comes crashing down and Donghyuk just wants to sleep for a thousand years. He’s exhausted. He’s definitely going to nap before they have dinner with NCT 127.

  
  
“I’m gonna go nap is that ok?” Donghyuk throws out to everyone.

“Yeah, that’s fine! You look like you could use it,” Renjun responds immediately.

“Hey! What does that mean?” The vocalist pouts.

Renjun laughs at his expression before clapping him on the shoulder.

  
  
“I’m just kidding. It means nothing, well kind of. You look really tired. One of us will come wake you up in time for dinner.”

  
  
“Thanks.”   
  
Donghyuk gives them all a small, grateful smile before heading to his shared room and flopping onto his bed. He slings his backpack off and drops it to the floor before curling up and closing his eyes. He’s completely drained, yet his mind can’t seem to quiet down. Donghyuk lies on his stomach for a few moments, taking in the silence, before flipping onto his back and pulling out his phone. Maybe some music will help.

He opens up his phone, goes to open the music app, but sees that their shared NCT Instagram account has multiple notifications.  _ It couldn’t hurt to take a quick peek right?  _ He’ll just scroll through a few posts, then he’ll nap. With that, Donghyuk opens the social media application. 

Donghyuk loves their fans. He loves the energy they bring, the support they show, and their enthusiasm at fan signs and concerts. What he doesn’t love but knows he has to deal with are sasaengs and haters. As he scrolls through Instagram and glances over the comments, he sees that most of them are indeed from their true and supportive fans. However, he can’t help but stop and read when he sees the beginning of a mean comment.

The twisted part of his mind tells him to continue reading them because he deserves it. He doesn’t want to listen to it, but he does, and he starts specifically seeking out pictures with him in or of just him just so he can see the feedback. Like the other posts, the majority of the comments are supportive and cheerful, but the insecure part of him digs for the critical ones. He focuses on the ones that tell him to lose weight, to stop being so annoying, to stop dragging the group down, to stop being so clingy because the other members don’t like it.

By this point, Donghyuk knows that he needs to stop. He’s upset himself enough. His heart hurts, his hands are shaky, and the sandwich he ate earlier feels heavy in his stomach. Donghyuk quickly shuts his phone off and throws it to the side. He shouldn’t have done that. He feels even worse than before and the worst part is that he only has himself to blame.

He didn’t have enough self-restraint to not look at the comments and compare himself to what everyone else is doing. It’s hard not to when everyone is trying new things and being proactive despite the pandemic. Everyone’s posting about new challenges they’re taking on and how they’re being resilient and it just makes him feel worse about himself.

He now has more free time than ever to scroll mindlessly through social media, and it’s been horrible. Donghyuk knows deep down that he’s spending an unhealthy amount of time looking at criticism, but he feels like he doesn’t have much of a choice when he’s trapped at the dorm more nowadays. In reality, there are probably better things he could be doing with his time, but because he’s been feeling so unsettled lately, his old tendencies and urges have started to come back.

The vocalist can feel a flare-up coming on, but he really doesn’t have the will or the energy to deal with it so he quickly curls up and tries to go to sleep. Maybe if he ignores it and actually gets some rest, then it won’t happen. He has the telltale headache that he knows will escalate into a migraine and the tingling in his stomach that he knows turns into intense stomach cramps, but he refuses to let it happen. 

  
There’s already so much on his plate that he has to worry about, he can’t afford to have a flare-up right now. Donghyuk reaches behind him for the pillow on his bed and quickly brings it in close so he can hug it. Holding something or someone usually helps ground him because he’s such a tactile person. Donghyk clutches the soft fabric in tight fists as he focuses on breathing and trying to calm down.   
  


He knows that the more he panics, the worse his symptoms get. He doesn’t know how long it’s been, but eventually, he starts to feel the pull of sleep. It isn’t unwelcome though. He lets his body be lulled to sleep as his eyes become heavy and then everything fades away.


	2. Chapter 2

“...hyuk?” a voice calls.

Donghyuk just catches the tail end of his name before he’s being lightly shaken. He reluctantly pries open his eyes and is met with Jisung’s innocent expression.

“Hyung, it’s time for dinner,” the maknae repeats.

“Oh, ok I’m coming,” he responds sleepily.

It feels like he just closed his eyes. The nap he just had felt like it went by in the blink of an eye. Donghyuk groggily untangles himself from his pillow and tries to ignore the pain in his stomach. His nap had helped with the headache, but not with his stomach. To be honest, he’s dreading having dinner, but if he doesn’t go then that will raise even more questions.

Jisung stands patiently by his bed and waits until Donghyuk is standing before he starts walking. The brunette follows wordlessly as they make their way to the living where the others are standing.

“We ready to go?” Jeno asks once they’re all gathered.

“Yes! I’m starving, let's go!” Chenle yells.

“Donghyuk are you ok? You look like you haven’t slept in years,” Renjun points out.

  
  
“Wow, thanks Injunie. I feel like I haven’t slept in years.”

Renjun grimaces at his answer and is about to say something when Jaemin cuts him off.

“Hyuckie, it’s ok if you’re not fine. You can tell us you know?”

Five sets of eyes look over at him and Donghyuk has to intentionally tell himself not to shrink back. He’s really not fine, but he doesn’t know what to say. He wants to tell him, but a part of him is scared how they’ll react and it’s like there’s an invisible barrier preventing him from reaching out for help. Of course, it’s a barrier he’s created, but he can’t seem to break past it, so he’ll settle for telling half-truths.

“I just...don’t feel up to eating right now,” he admits slowly.

  
  
He watches the members’ reactions carefully after his explanation. They all give him worried looks and Donghyuk instantly feels bad. The last thing he wants them to do is worry about him.

“It’s just too overwhelming right now?” Jisung asks.

Donghyuk nods. He’s told them before that food and making the decision to eat is sometimes too overwhelming. Of course, they make sure he gets food in him later, he needs the energy, but they know not to push him in the moment.

“Ok. That’s totally fine. How about you just sit with us? You don’t have to eat anything and we’ll talk to the others about it if you want,” Jeno suggests.

“Yeah, I can do that.”

  
  
The second the words leave his mouth, he feels a part of himself cringe. There’s a very high chance that he might actually have a flare-up at dinner, and he would rather not have that happen in front of everyone. He would rather deal with it here by themself, but now that’s no longer an option.

Jaemin tries to give him a reassuring smile as they make their way out the door and up the floor where NCT 127 stays, but it doesn’t do much in terms of settling Donghyuk’s anxiety. When they reach the other unit’s room, they’re hit with noise, aka loud conversations and bickering as their hyungs try and get dinner finished.    
  
Taeyong, Johnny, and Doyoung are attempting to plate the food, Tail, Yuta, and Jungwoo are trying to set the table but failing, and Mark and Jaehyun are talking passionately about something in English to the side. The dreamies stand at the entrance, frozen, for about a solid five seconds before just shrugging and joining the fray. Their hyungs will notice them at some point.

Renjun pulls Donghyuk over to the kitchen table and has him sit on the end so he can get away if he needs to. Jaemin sits next to Renjun, and Jeno, Chenle, and Jisung sit across from the other three. Jungwoo gives them all his signature, innocent puppy smile as he continues setting the other half of the table, and they all wave back. Yuta and Tail also nod at the Dreamies as they try to keep up with Jungwoo and also tease him.

Mark and Jaehyun wander over next and the rapper immediately gravitates over to Donghyuk. He puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder and squeezes gently before sliding his hand over to play with the hair on the nape of the younger boy’s neck. It’s actually kind of soothing and Donghyuk feels himself starting to relax a bit.

“You’re tense. Is everything ok?” Mark asks lightly.

“It’s just been kind of an off day.”

Even though Donghyuk can’t see his face, he can clearly picture Mark frowning.

“What do you mean?”

“I was tired, and thinking about food...has just been hard,” the brunette decides to answer.

Despite the vague response, he hears the rapper sigh sympathetically. He repositions his hands again and decides to draw comforting circles on the top of Donghyuk’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to push yourself. We won’t make you eat right now if it’s too overwhelming.”

  
  
“Thank you! That’s what we said too,” Renjun interrupts.

Donghyuk glares at him and Mark quirks an eyebrow up at the younger boy. Jaemin simply sighs and hits his friend on the arm.

“What he means is that we care about you and you don’t have to act like you’re ok around us. You can trust us, none of us want to pressure you before you’re ready. That doesn’t mean we won’t challenge you in a supportive way, it just means that we don’t want you to feel like you have to hide anything or hold back what you’re feeling,” Jaemin explains gently.

Donghyuk feels his walls start to crumble at Jaemin’s genuine words. He knows he can trust them, and he desperately wants to, but he can’t help but hold back. The lingering anxiety of actually being vulnerable from when his eating disorder was at its peak is still there. 

Normally he’d be able to fight it off, but after spending too much time reading comments that poked at all his insecurities, he’s not in the right mindset to do so. He simply nods and tries to give Jaemin his best grateful smile, because he really is grateful for all their support and patience.

A couple of minutes later, the rest of the members join them at the table and they hear Taeyong yelling at some of them to help bring over the dishes. Mark disappears along with Jungwoo to go help the others in the kitchen. When everything is finally brought over, Donghyuk surveys everything carefully. There’s a lot of food, and it makes sense because there are so many of them eating, but it really is kind of overwhelming.

Donghyuk’s brain is already on hyperdrive from earlier and it can barely keep up with all the different foods and the different components of the dishes. There are too many items to keep track of and too many calories to add up. Donghyuk quickly averts his eyes from the table and instead focuses on the cream wall behind Chenle as he tries to get his stomach and heart under control.

His stomach is starting to cramp and it feels sore like it used to after Donghyuk would spend too much time vomiting in the bathroom. They haven’t developed into the intense cramps he usually gets during a flare-up, but he knows they’re not going to get better. He can feel his body becoming hot as well and his hands starting to shake so he knows it’s only a matter of time.

He wants to leave, but they’ve barely started so he can’t bail now. He’ll just have to wait for the right opening. Donghyuk ends up interlacing his hands together to look more casual and pressing them on his stomach slightly under the table to help relieve some of the pain.

It’s really not that effective, but he can pretend it is. When the others start talking, he does his best to focus, but it’s difficult when all he wants to do is escape.

“So how was practice today?” Taeyong starts. He directs the question at the Dreamies.

“Pretty good!” Jaemin answers. “We went over the choreo for Ridin’ mostly and a couple of our older songs.”

Jeno, knowing that Donghyuk probably isn’t up for talking, tries to build off of what Jaemin said.

“Ridin was really fun! I mean obviously it’s hard work, but we’re excited about it and I think it looks pretty good.”

  
  
“Yeah! The set for the mv also looks really cool! I’m really excited about shooting with the bikes and stuff! It’s going to be fire!” Chenle adds enthusiastically. 

“Fire?” Doyoung questions.

“It means cool hyung, it’s slang,” Jisung tries to explain.

At that, the whole table bursts out laughing, even though Donghyuk is pretty sure the hyung line doesn’t really know what they said. Despite how awful he’s feeling, the zero liner finds it in himself to smile. As everyone starts passing around dishes, Donghyuk tries not to draw attention to himself. He takes a small scoop of two dishes that he really likes, but other than that, his plate is pretty empty.

When the hyungs try to ask him about it, Mark and the other Dreamies come to his rescue and help explain things. With just a few simple words, the hyungs seem to understand and Donghyuk is grateful that they don’t force the subject. 

They all know about his eating disorder and how things get sometimes, and he’s just glad that they don’t ask more questions or push him to eat more in the moment. He knows he’ll have to eat a reasonable amount later, but it’s not going to happen right now.

He picks at his food and tries hard to push back the number of calories he’s counted to the back of his head. The rest of the group talks boisterously around him and things almost seem normal. The bickering and noise is typical when they’re all together, and it helps Donghyuk convince himself that no one really cares what he’s doing. He continues just moving the food around on his plate instead of actually eating it as his stomach cramps increase in frequency and intensity.

  
At this point, he’s positive that he’s not going to be able to eat anything, and he’s positive that he’s having a flare-up. What he doesn’t know is if he’s actually going to be sick or not. He feels nauseous and just like overall crap, but he can’t distinguish if he’s actually going to be sick or if it’s just a result of the cramps. Usually, he can tell, but this he’s really not sure and it’s slightly terrifying.

He absolutely does not want to vomit in the 127 dorm. It would be mortifying and he would for sure breakdown. He’s already upset enough after reading all the comments on Instagram and he’s already in enough pain as it is. Donghyuk settles for taking slow, calculated breaths as he tries to calm his rebelling stomach. He stares intensely at his plate, taking in the grooves on the side and the pure white color until his gaze shifts to his uneaten food.

  
  
He stares at the small dent he’s made and the unappetizing texture of the potatoes for about a minute before he knows he can’t make it. The sight and smell of the food he forced upon himself sets him over the edge and Donghyuk knows that he has to find a bathroom ASAP. Screw embarrassing himself in front of his hyungs, he’s in pain and feels horrible.

Donghyuk abruptly scooches his chair back, creating a loud squeaking sound, and quickly excuses himself from the table before literally sprinting to the hallway towards the bathroom. He hears multiple people call his name and muffled “what’s going ons?” as he crashes onto the cold tile in front of the toilet. He doesn’t even have time to close the door, but then again that’s the least of his problems now.

He’s in the process of puking up what very little he ate when he hears footsteps approaching him. He’s got his head in the toilet bowl so he isn’t sure who the person is, but he appreciates it when he feels them rub comforting circles on his back. After a few more seconds of dry heaving he hears the person start to direct him to take deeper breaths. At this point, he knows it’s Mark because he would recognize the other boy’s voice anywhere.

“C’mon Hyuk, you can do it. In through your nose, out through your mouth,” the older boy instructs calmly. 

It’s more of a mental challenge now than a physical one for Donghyuk to try and stop hyperventilating. It takes a few, long more minutes of Mark walking him through calm breathing before Donghyuk feels like he’s getting an adequate amount of oxygen. He pulls his head out of the toilet bowl, flushes, and then tiredly sits back. He subconsciously wraps an arm around his stomach as he sits on the floor, trying to compose himself.

  
Mark stays by his side the whole time and starts softly petting Donghyuk’s hair and offering words of encouragement. He waits until the other boy seems less frantic before asking questions. He had gotten the other hyungs to wait in the other room while he talked with Donghyuk, but he knows that they’re worried about him and will want answers. 

“Hey Hyuk?” The rapper gently moves his hand to squeeze Donghyuk’s arm.

The vocalist looks at him with tired, glassy eyes and Mark feels his heart clench for his friend. 

  
“What’s wrong?”

Donghyuk just shakes his head furiously and reaches out to cling onto the older boy. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that he’s upset, and Mark can feel that there’s something serious bothering him, but he needs to calm Donghyuk down first. 

“Hyuckie, look at me please.”   
  
He gently pushes the other away, just enough so he can look into his face. Donghyuk looks far too pale, his eyebrows are pinched in pain, and he’s started crying. Donghyuk rarely ever cries, he hates looking weak in front of people, more specifically, he doesn’t like to burden them, and he only ever really cries when he’s in a lot of pain or really upset. It’s serious, and judging from the arm Donghyuk has around his stomach and the other clues, Mark guesses he’s having a flare-up.

“Are you having a flare-up?” 

Donghyuk nods before dropping his head guilty.

  
“Hey, no, don’t feel bad! It’s ok! None of us are mad, this isn’t your fault. Let us help you ok?”

The rapper gently helps Donghyuk to his feet and coaxes him out of the bathroom and into Mark’s room across the hall. He has the vocalist lay down before wrapping him in the comforter and disappearing to go look for pain meds. 

This is by far the worst flare-up Mark has seen. He usually gets intense stomach cramps and looks really sick, but this time he seems worse and he’s even crying. It makes Mark believe that there’s something else going on, but he won’t know for sure until he asks. He returns with pain meds and water a few seconds later and hands both items to Donghyuk who takes the medication obediently. 

Mark makes him finish the rest of the water before taking it from him and setting it on the desk next to the bed. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Sorry about that,” Donghyuk replies instead.

  
  
“What? You don’t have anything to be sorry about?”

“I do though,” Donghyuk whispers. “I ruined dinner, I ruined practice, I couldn't do anything right today! We had to end practice early because of me and I was just so tired that I kept messing everything up. I was dragging everyone down. I was useless.”   
  
Mark is hurt and surprised at Donghyuk’s words. He didn't realize that was how his friend was thinking. It hurts him to hear his best friend talking about himself like that. It reminds him of how Donghyuk used to talk about himself when he was first diagnosed with an eating disorder. Mark knows how Donghyuk is.

  
He knows that Donghyuk doesn’t like being a burden, even though he never is, and he’ll hide what he’s really feeling just so he doesn’t have to involve others. He’s always been like that and Mark knows that Donghyuk has never been able to kick the habit. 

That’s how he knows there’s a deeper issue at hand. He’ll ask the brunette about it later though because what’s most important now is to get Donghyuk to calm down so his symptoms don’t worsen. They need to take care of his health right now.

“You were not useless,” Mark immediately says. “You aren’t ever useless and you did not drag the others down. If you asked the other Dreamies I’m one hundred percent sure they would agree with me. Please don’t be so hard on yourself! None of us think you’re a burden. It’s ok to need help sometimes,” the rapper explains. 

He moves to sit beside Donghyuk on the bed and pulls the other into a quick side hug.

“You know we care about you right?”

  
  
The zero liner sighs deeply as he leans more into his hyung’s side.

  
  
“I do. Most of the time I believe it, but sometimes my brain tells me otherwise and then it just gets messy.”

  
  
“Please let us know when that happens. We want to help you! Promise me you’ll tell us when you’re feeling bad or the voices get too loud.” 

“I promise,” Donghyuk says sleepily.

  
“Ok. Get some rest. I’ll come check on you in a little bit.”

  
  
“Ok.”   
  
Mark reaches out to brush Donghyuk’s hair back and gives him a fond smile before leaving the other boy to rest. He’s not really looking forward to having to talk about this later, but if it’s for Donghyuk then he’ll do it. If it’s for Donghyuk’s wellbeing, then he’ll do anything.

  
  


* * *

“How is he doing?”

  
  
“Not great. I think he’s sick. He has a fever now.”   
  
_ I wonder who they’re talking about? I hope it’s not one of the babies! Chenle just got over a cold last week. _ Just then, Donghyuk feels a cold hand on his forehead. That’s when he realizes the voices are talking about him. Now that he’s thinking about it, he does feel pretty bad. His stomach cramps are gone, but now he just feels gross and fuzzy. It’s like his body is made of lead and his head is filled with cotton. 

He just wants to sleep, but his body decides to throw him back into consciousness just then. Donghyuk reluctantly opens his eyes and sees Chenle and Taeyong hovering over him. Taeyong gives him a light smile before removing his hand from Donghyuk’s forehead and replacing it with a cool cloth.

“Hi hyung! How are you feeling?” The maknae line member asks cheerfully.

“Fuzzy. I’m ok though.” 

Taeyong frowns at that and Donghyuk knows he’s’ seen through his lie. Fortunately, the leader doesn’t mention it.

“Manager-nim called the doctor. He’ll be here in a couple of minutes to check up on you,” Taeyong explains.

  
That catches the vocalist’s attention.

“What?! No! I’m fine, that’s not necessary,” Donghyuk protests.   
  
“Hyuk, you are not fine. You look exhausted, you haven’t eaten, you had a flare-up today, and we could all tell that you haven’t been feeling great the past few weeks. I’m so sorry I didn’t do anything earlier. I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were struggling, but we’re all worried. We want to help you, whatever it is you need from us, please tell us! Please let us in,” the leader begs.

Taeyong looks so pained, and even though it hurts and makes Donghyuk feel even more guilty, it does help him see some sense. He’s not alone, and he doesn’t have to be afraid to ask any of them for help. And to be honest, he needs it right now. Even though he knows it’ll be difficult, he knows he needs to do it for his own sake as well as the others.

“Ok,” Donghyuk answers.

“Ok?”

  
  
“You’re right, I probably do need to see a doctor. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you something was wrong earlier.”

  
  
Taeyong shakes his head and takes one of Donghyyuk’s hands in his.

“It’s ok. We both made mistakes, but now we know what to do. I’ll try and be better at checking in on you and not pushing you so hard. I know it’s difficult, but if you ever need help or someone to lean on, you can talk to any of us, no matter what it is.”

“Thanks, hyung! I’ll try and get better at not bottling things up. It’s kinda hard since I'm so used to doing it, but I’ll work on it.”

“And I know that Jisungie and I are younger than you and we act like brats a lot, but you can talk to us too! We can take some things seriously and we won’t judge you for anything,” Chenle adds.

Donghyuk shoots him a grateful smile, and then he hears someone knocking on the bedroom door.

  
“The doctor’s here!” Marks’ voice calls from outside.

Taeyong rises from his position and pats Donghyuk’s arm reassuringly before walking towards the door. He gestures for Chenle to follow him and the Chinese boy waves at Donghyuk before following the leader. Taeyong opens the door for Mark and the doctor and then goes to rejoin the other members with Chenle. 

  
Fortunately, their manager had called Dr.Choi, the doctor who’s been with NCT for a long time and was there when Donghyuk was diagnosed with an eating disorder. Donghyuk trusts him. Mark tries to follow Dr.Choi inside, but the older man stops him. He politely asks Mark to wait outside for a little bit but promises he can see Donghyuk soon. The rapper frowns and the vocalist thinks it’s kinda cute, but he reassures the other that he’ll be ok and Mark eventually leaves the two alone.

“So, Donghyuk,” Dr.Choi starts, “Let’s see what’s going on.”

The man has him sit up in bed while he goes through the usual routine of checking his heartbeat, breathing, blood pressure, and temperature. After a few more minutes of examination, Dr.Choi sits back with a hum.

“So you’re definitely sick. You’ve got a fever, you’re dehydrated, and sleep-deprived. You’re overworking yourself, but I think there’s something more going on.”   
  


At Dr.Choi’s words, Donghyuk feels his heart sink into his stomach.

“What do you mean?”   
  
Dr.Choi turns around and pulls the chair beside the desk over to Donghyuk’s bed and sits down to face him. He’s serious. His serious expression is such a contrast to his usual calm demeanor and relaxed face.

“I won’t sugar coat this because I think you can handle it. I know you hate when people beat around the bush and act like nothing’s wrong. Your members have told me that you’ve started reverting back to old habits and I’m concerned that you may be relapsing. That may not be the case, but I need to know how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking.”   
  
Donghyuk immediately shifts his gaze down and tries his best to talk around the lump in his throat. He doesn’t want to relapse. He came so far and what he’s feeling isn’t nearly as intense as it was before he was diagnosed, but at the same time he’s definitely not ok.

  
“I don’t really know how to say this. But lately, I’ve just been feeling kinda crappy and really anxious, especially around food. It’s not nearly as bad as before, but it’s definitely not good. I’ve started counting calories again and I know it’s not healthy, but I’ve been really stressed lately and it’s just so hard to ignore the numbers.”   
  
“It’s a hard habit to break,” Dr.Choi confirms. “I know it’s easy to fall back on these things when you’re stressed and busy, but try to find another outlet. Feeling like this isn’t abnormal. In fact, it’s completely normal to feel like you’re stuck at times when you’re recovering. There’s not a set timeline for healing, it’s different for everyone and it’s normal to have steps forward and steps backward. Don’t be so hard on yourself!”

Donghyuk gives the older man a small smile.

  
  
“I’ll try not to.”

“I’m going to give you some medicine for your fever, but before I leave, I’m going to challenge you to do something.”

  
  
“Challenge?”

  
  
“Have you talked to your members about how you’ve been feeling?”

  
  
“...honestly no.”

“Well the challenge is to talk to at least one of them about some of what you’ve been feeling. You don’t have to spill everything, but I want you to push yourself to talk to the others and learn to rely on them more. It’s obvious that they all care about you and I think it would take some of the pressure off of you to have more people to talk to. Then you don’t have to carry everything yourself.”

Dr. Choi seems to sense his hesitance, and he reaches out to give Donghyuk’s shoulder a comforting squeeze.

  
  
“I know it’s hard. I’ve known you for a while now and I know that you don’t like bothering people, but I promise you won’t be. Your members want to help you and you talking with them will benefit them as much as it benefits you. I think it will help some with the flare ups because you will have another person to talk to and help calm you down. Will you try?”

  
  
“Ok. I guess I can try,” the vocalist answers genuinely.

  
He knows deep down that Dr.Choi is right. He needs to stop putting all the pressure on himself and learn to ask for help when he needs it.

“Great! One last thing, when is the last time you saw your therapist?”

  
  
“Ummm. I think last month? Things got busy and we started only having one session a month after a while.”

  
  
“Ok. I’m going to suggest that you see her sometime soon, just to get a progress report. If things are going well then you should continue going once a month, but if something’s changed, which is completely fine, then it’s probably best to update that schedule.”

  
  
“Ok.”

  
  
Dr.Choi reaches into his bag and rummages around until he finds the correct pill bottle. 

  
  
“These are for your fever. Other than that, I recommend getting some more rest, hydrate, and get some food in you. It doesn’t have to be a lot, but from what your members have told me, you need to at least have a little bit.”

Donghyuk gratefully accepts the medication and finds himself feeling a lot lighter. It did help to talk a little bit about what’s been going through his head. He’ll accept Dr.Choi’s challenge. Now he just has to decide who he wants to talk to, not that it will be hard. He already has someone in mind.

“Have a good night Donghyuk! I would say hope to see you around soon, but I would rather not have to come see you because of treatment. Please take care of yourself!”

“I will!” 

With that, Dr.Choi exits the room and he hears murmuring in the other room as the other members ask him about the diagnosis. He knows that he’s going to have to tell all of them what’s been going on at some point, but for now, he’ll just take it one step at a time. And that first step starts with Mark.

Once Donghyuk finds the energy, and the courage, to get up, he slowly makes his way towards the kitchen. Multiple members stop him and ask if he’s ok, and Donghyuk can’t really find it in him to be annoyed. He knows they care. Jisung even gives him a shy hug and tells him to take care of himself, and Donghyuk has to restrain himself for hugging the maknae to death because it’s so endearing.

Eventually, he makes it to the kitchen and that’s where he finds Mark. The older boy is busy heating up hot water for instant ramen when Donghyuk approaches him.

“Hi hyung!”

  
  
“Hyuk! Hey, how are you feeling?”

“A lot better. Dr.Choi gave me some medicine for my fever.”

“Awesome! Do you-,” the rapper fumbles a bit, “want something to eat? I know you didn’t eat much earlier and yeah,” the other trails off.

Donghyuk laughs at him which finally gets the older boy to laugh as well.

“Sorry, I know that was super awkward.”

  
  
“It’s ok. It’s so you.”

“Should I be insulted?”

  
  
“No, not really.”

  
  
“Anyway! I would offer to cook something for you but you know I would catch the apartment on fire. So would you like some instant ramen?”

“I’d love some instant ramen.”

  
  
“Ok cool! I’ll go get you one.”   
  
Mark heads over to the far right cabinet and pulls out another packet of instant ramen. The water finishes boiling just then and Mark quickly pours it into the cups to heat up. Donghyuk takes the chance to quickly look around the room and assess where everyone is. Most of the members are chilling in the living room watching some weird reality show and Donghyuk assumes the missing members are in their respective rooms.

The Dreamies are busy playing some card game on the floor of the living room and being doted on by their hyungs. It’s cute. No one is really paying attention to him now, so the pressure is off. Now is the time. 

  
“Hey, Mark.”

  
  
Donghyuk can already feel his heart beating faster with anxiety, but he’s already committed so he’s going through with it.

“What’s up?”

  
  
“Can I talk to you?”

“Yeah of course! One second.”

  
  
The rapper pulls two bowls out and sets them on top of the ramen cups to keep the noodles warm while they talk. Then he turns around to face the younger boy.

“Is here ok or do you want to talk in my room?”

“Can we talk in your room?”

“Yeah.”

Mark gestures for Donghyuk to lead the way and follows closely behind. He shuts the door behind them once they’re in and Donghyuk goes to sit on the bed again. Mark takes a seat next to him, a respectable distance away, but it feels too far so the zero liner ends up leaning against him. He immediately feels Mark put an arm around him to steady him and it’s a nice feeling. It definitely gives him Deja'vu from earlier when the two of them talked after Mark helped him away from the bathroom.

  
Donghyuk takes about a minute to gather his thoughts, but when he’s about to speak Mark quickly throws in his own input.

“You don’t have to talk if you aren’t ready. I don’t want to push you to tell me anything.”

  
  
“You’re not pushing me. I want to.”

  
  
“Then I’m here to listen.”

“Ok. So I know that I’ve been acting off for a while now and I’m sorry for not telling you anything.”

  
  
“You don’t need to apologize,” Mark quickly retorts.

“Oh, well I kinda feel like I do. Anyway, things have been...stressful lately. I’ve been training with Dream and 127 and it’s kind of been a lot. Normally I can handle it, but I’ve been feeling off lately which Dr.Choi said was normal. It kind of feels like I’m stuck and I know that what I’ve been doing hasn’t been helping.”   
  
“What do you mean?”   
_   
_ _ Ugh! Why is this so hard!  _ Donghyuk knows exactly what he wants to say, but it feels like the words are caught in his throat. He has to tell Mark that he’s been reading hate comments online because he knows that’s a large part of the reason he’s having a hard time, but it’s difficult.

“It’s ok, take your time.”   
  
Mark resorts to rubbing his thumb over the top of Donghyuk’s hand comfortingly. The vocalist spends a few seconds debating what to say when he finally just decides to just say it bluntly.

“I’ve been reading hate comments.”

  
  
Donghyuk hears Mark's noise of surprise, but he doesn’t dwell on it and keeps plowing through.

“I was just going through NCT’s official Instagram account, but I was already in a bad mindset because of a tough practice, and I couldn’t help it. I started searching for pictures with me in them or of just me and looked specifically for the ones that were critical. Of course, I love our Czennies! But sometimes it’s hard to focus on all the good things when the voice in my head just tells me what I’m doing wrong.”

“Is that why you haven’t been eating or sleeping?”

  
  
“...yeah,” Donghyuk answers quietly.

  
Mark pulls the younger boy in even closer and lets him just sit there. 

  
“I don’t know what that inner voice of yours has been telling you, but I think you’re pretty great! You’re a fantastic dancer, an amazing singer, you’re super affectionate-,”

“I thought you hated when I did that though?” Donghyuk interrupts.

“Shhhhh! Let me finish! Just because it’s not my favorite doesn’t mean it’s not a good quality of yours. Also, I don’t hate it. You care about others a lot, that's not bad. Anyway, I wish you would love yourself as much as we love you, and I know it’s not easy, but I hope it happens one day. I'm sorry the voices are telling you lies, you're an amazing person and I wish your brain wouldn't tell you otherwise.

I know you’re still battling this eating disorder stuff and that you prefer to deal with it alone, but we don’t want you to. We want to help, and I just wanted to say that you can talk to me or any one of the members about anything. I’m so glad you trust me enough to tell me these things, and I hope you know that you can trust the others just as much,” Mark explains.

By the end of his little speech, Donghyuk feels a wave of relief wash over him as well as a rush of good emotions. He’s a little teary, but he deserves to be a little emotional after what he’s been through. The zero liner wipes away some stray tears and laughs when Mark panics after thinking he’s said something wrong. Honestly, he’s such a dork.

“I guess Dr.Choi was right,” the vocalist muses.

  
  
“What?”

  
  
“He told me talking about what I’ve been feeling would help and that it would benefit you guys just as much as it would benefit me. He was right.”

  
  
“Yup. I’m glad you think so, does that mean you won’t shut us out anymore?”

  
  
“Hey! It wasn’t  _ that  _ bad!”

  
Mark gives him a look.

“Ok fine, maybe it was. But yeah, I’ll try not to keep everything to myself now.”

  
  
“Good. Now are you ready to eat? Because I’m starving!”

  
  
Donghyuk pulls back and punches him in the arm.

“Is that all you can think about!”

  
  
“No, but I am hungry and I know you haven’t eaten so…”

“Alright fine. Let’s go eat. I guess I am craving some cheap, old instant ramen.”

“Hey!”

  
  


As the two of them sit at the dining table, eating their food, Donghyuk finally feels more like himself. It hasn’t been easy, and he knows that the road to recovery won’t be, but now he knows that he’s got people on his side. He knows that Mark, his other hyungs, and the Dreamies have his back, and that’s more than enough to help him battle the voice inside his head. Food may always be a challenging experience for him, but now he doesn’t have to shoulder that burden by himself anymore. 


End file.
